Nutcracker Memory

                My favorite memory of performing the Nutcracker ballet with IBT is the very first year Ray choreographed it. Can you imagine being the first one to dance a part? To be the first one in a brand new costume designed to fit you? Of course, every corps member had one just like mine. But it wasn’t the same one. And all of us together, we were dancing brand new choreography in our brand new costumes. It was magnificent. Never had I felt so beautiful in my life. My part is special. I performed Clara’s friend as a Party Girl, a Snowflake, a Flower, and Spanish. And I am very protective of those parts. I strive to help the people in them because I want them to look good, doing my part. I, myself, work very hard at the new parts I’m given, because those parts had an original person to them too. They even had multiple people before me. My mother role that I have now was even played by a principal dancer who danced with Ray at Ballet West. Nobody can tell me that isn’t intimidating.

                The best part about dancing with IBT is I’m lucky enough to not get 1 part, but more than one. And some schools, you get one, and you even share that part with another person. But I will never complain if it gets cut down because we have more people. Why shouldn’t other people get the opportunity to dance with us? Can you imagine watching a little girl take your spot that you had originally, and dancing it the best she can? I remember the joy I had when I performed Spanish and I love seeing other people get the opportunity to do it. 

               I am more proud to say I have danced with Imagine Ballet Theatre than I am to say I danced the Party Princess with Ballet West when I was little.

Lifestyle

Being a dancer is not what I do, its who I am. The feelings ballet brings to me are addicting. Legs shaped for sexy, laden with muscle complimenting pink tights, and pointe shoes to stand tall, above everyone. The black leotard envelops my thin muscular body to show off all the good curves and even the lack of. Then the actual dancing. The shape of a ballerinas arms are always elegant and meant to show off. They encompass the head and accent the face. The legs are built to impress. To turn, balance, linger and in general, impress. When you hear a piece of classical music, with no lyrics to dictate the feel, and you put your emotion to it in your body, there's a connection built and you grow to love that music. You know that feeling you get when something special happens, and you want to tell everyone? I feel that when I dance, and that's a feeling I wish I could share with the world.

What you don't know about cutting

Cutting is when a person will cut into their skin, usually on the forearms. Some do it on the top, some do it on the wrists. It's very cliche to do it on the wrists, but that's where you hit the best release. People do it for different reasons: to distract from emotional pain, to draw attention, to punish themselves, for a release. Yes, cutting is a release. It's also very addicting. Cutting is hard to deal with after the fact, and people look down on you because of that. Sure, you don't care what people think, because you are depressed and think that nobody loves you. Maybe that's true, maybe it's not.
The problem is, you aren't going to know until a few years down the road. In the state of mind you are at currently, you are hopeless. Nothing will get through your crazy, wild emotions right now. So go ahead, cut. But when your life is finally going right, you have a good job, you have a good guy or girl in your life, you are getting along with your parents, those scars on your arms don't go away. And guess what? You'll regret it. People at your job aren't dumb, and they see those. They can either see this two ways, and please remember that you yourself will look down on weak people because well, you pulled through your weak days and came out fine, so why shouldn't they buck up and do it right?
Well these people you work with will either see exactly that, that you were weak, having to do that to yourself, or that you pulled through and have straightened up. They'll see you as either unstable, or stronger than most. And when they see you as stronger, that's an awesome feeling. Unfortunately, that's 1 in 10 people. Most people judge, because most people don't go through this level of depression. Or they do but they had a different situation and their own releases. Ones that didn't cause physical scars that you will carry for the rest of your life. But still, people judge. It's only human. And they will cause your business customers and money one day. And that will come crashing down on you. Maybe not from your boss, but from you. You will feel like shit because you were weak for those couple years in high school. And guess what, that feeling will bring you back to the craving for the painful release.
But you can't do it, because it already screwed you up.
Your family won't judge as harshly, but they will certainly reprimand it subtly. And that will make you feel great. Not. That'll make you want to do it again too.
But you can't do it, because it will cause more than this, and your pride is greater than your release right now. Besides, at this point in your life there are different releases. Different happiness that you can distract yourself with.

Don't be weak. Yes, this time in your life is difficult. Maybe there is nobody there for you, or maybe there is and you just can't take their help for whatever reason. Do not be weak and start this bad habit. It's worse than smoking. Don't smoke either. Sit on your bed and cry it out. Sit through the depression and the loneliness, and pull through.
The very best release if working out. Work your body so hard that you pass out every night and are sore every morning. You will get the same release and instead of it harming your body, it will clear your head and you will feel really good about your body. Remember, you don't have to go to a gym to work out. Google things you can do at home for cheap. And do that. Physical exercise creates the same release that cutting does. Work out. Don't cut.